I was always the kind of person who enjoyed hanging out with small group of friends. In highschool, I had 4 close friends who I ate, walked, talked and laughed with everyday. We always walked home together after class. It was not a short way home, but remember laughing and giggling all the way.
On hot summer days, it was almost impossible to walk under the sizzling weather. We had to stop and hide under tree shades. We always went the bench under the tree which was located just about halfway home. Before we dragged ourselves to the shade, we always went to the optician's right next to the bench. They gave out free ice creams for those who had membership cards, and the three of us had the membership. I remember sharing the three ice creams we grabbed, under our tree. The tree was big enough to cover all 4 of us and big enough to hide us from others. That's why we always immediately took our shoes off and even lied on the bench like it was our room. We chatted on and on under the tree, 80% of the chat being laughters without reason.
I clearly remember lying down on the bench and frowning a little under brilliant sunlight peaking through the leaves. My friends and I used to stay there for a long time until we recharged ourselves to walk into the sizzling sunlight again.
This place is truly meaningful to me because I shared most of my highschool memories under this tree. This tree is an inseparable part of my teenage life.
As I read your essay, I could recall my memories of highschool days. I liked the way you described the landscape and atmosphere of the bench. I thougt it was vividly depicted by the expressions 'the tree was big enough to cover all 4 of us'. Through such description, I could imagine it on my own mind. Also, the bench you described was written according to your feelings and memories, I thought you have an ability to describe the place through the essay. So, there was no point that I couldn't understand. However, I'm sorry that I don't think you appealed to many different senses. For example, you said that 'frowning a little under brilliant sunlight peaking through the leaves' and 'big enough to hide us from others'. I felt you focused on only sight. So, I think you need to use more expressions that could appeal to five senses. If you revise it in this way, the essay will be more specific to deliver your memories. I would say the mood of this place was very fresh, active and peaceful. This place must be important to you because you shared most of your highschool memories in there and it might be the reason why you chose to write about it.
ReplyDelete201502384 LeeSooKyung
1. I liked how this essay displays your recollection of jolly times. I felt like an observer following the scenes of a movie. It was easy to visualize your description in my mind. The merriness of your essay made me feel happy as I read it.
ReplyDelete2. It wasn't clear where the tree is placed, so I had to imagine an image by myself(river bank with wide open space). Where was the tree specifically? A sidewalk perhaps? Or did you have to pass through a park? Adding a more clear information about the surroundings of the tree and the bench would be helpful when writing your second draft. Also, although I did understand what you mean, the sentence 'the tree was big enough to cover all 4 of us and big enough to hide us from others' felt a little vague and sudden. If the tree could allow you to stay out of others' view, it must've been very big! Why not talk about it when you describe your tree? If you had mentioned how big your tree was beforehand, it would have made more sense when reading that sentence.
3. Actually, I don't think you have provided many senses in this writing. I think you could give more details about how hot the sizzling sun felt, how the ice creams tasted in your mouth, maybe about how cool it felt when jumping into the tree shades from the hot sun, and so on. There are lots of things you can talk about using the five senses. Personally I would want to see your descriptions of sound. What kinds of sound could you hear as you spent your times peacefully under the tree shades?
4. The mood of this place was merry and peaceful.
5. As the writer has mentioned in the essay, it is a place where she spent relaxing and joyous times as a high-school student.
6. As I've mentioned, adding more descriptions would be needed. Rather than telling the readers why this place is important, show the readers, and let them feel why it is important.
201502398 Lee Subin